The Nation that Times Together Binds Together: ONE NATION; ONE TIME ZONE: NFL Owners New Proposal For America

() grey wolfAfter its recent victory in getting America to allow them to become involved in gambling on their games, the NFL owners sat down over the past three days in Palm Springs behind closed doors to work on ways to make their product more exciting to the American people. During their meeting our sources tell us they were regaled by tales from some owners how they were able to convince, I don’t want to say con, state officials into spinning the suggestion that the gambling was actually a game a skill. One owner’s story had the owners bending over in laughter after he said he was able to convince one official who believed it was gambling that it was a “form of gambling” which differed from gambling. Still as this official hesitated he told her that laws against gambling were ancient follies where “consenting adults” in the privacy of their homes were being told how to live their lives. He said she was hooked when he said: “let’s keep the government out of our bedrooms.” He told how she announced she was not going to enforce “century old laws” at the same time she was enforcing the laws against competitors of  NFL in the gambling business.

This one owner urged on by the laughter told how he eased the conscience of the state officials who knew they were part of a big scam by telling them that they could pass regulations to control the NFL gambling site. They could limit the age of the person making bets like they do with alcohol and smoking. Then he says “you know, as if there is a way to tell the age of someone sitting at a computer.”

Emboldened by the success to this point and recognizing that most elected officials in the states where the NFL has teams are anxious to please the owners they have decided for the enjoyment of their fans they will go back to Congress which agreed fantasy football was not to be outlawed when it came to internet gambling. They now hope it will enact their “One Nation: One Time Zone” proposal.

The reason the NFL owners need to push this proposal through Congress is that it has come up with a new plan to lengthen the time period of the game. This will have the games starting too early on Sunday mornings on the West Coast. When the owners began the meeting the times of the three games on the East Coast were 1:00 pm, 4:25 pm; and 8:30 pm. The kickoffs were separated by at least 3 ½ hours.

The new rules introduced by the owners that extend the time of commercials after scores, kickoffs, and time outs to five minutes and instituting commercial breaks after each first down are estimated to lengthen the game to 4 hours and with overtime to 4 ½ hours. The only disagreement among the owners was that some thought that commercial breaks could be taken after each completed pass lengthening the game to over 5 hours. That latter proposal was tabled until next year.

The owners recent study to determine fan behavior found that a fan’s “patience zone” was well over five minutes. That means five-minute interruptions for commercials will not drive fans away especially if it comes after exciting events such as scoring or first downs. On the other hand it starts evaporating quickly after 17 minutes of no action on the field. That is why the break between halves will remain at 15 minutes. One owner noted that with the new rules they could do away with half time and run the game straight because with the frequency of commercial breaks few players will tire out during the game.

The new proposal requires games begin at 11:30 am; 4:00 pm; and 8:30 pm. Recognizing that many of the West Coast audience will not be up at 8:30 am and also the opposition that may result from some people who still cling to the century old idea of going to church on Sunday (fortunately the Catholic church changed its Sabbath to include Saturday to accommodate its football fans) the NFL owners decided the easiest way to accommodate the American football fans was to make the time across the nation uniform.

The owners will package this in Congress as a patriotic move noting that by having all Americans live under one time zone we will become more united. “The nation that times together binds together.” Also, the owners will no longer demand money from the military for any patriotic displays such as hoisting the American flag; wearing military uniforms; or other such interruptions noting the Patriot’s patriotism became suspect when it was reveled they were charging the military.

2 thoughts on “The Nation that Times Together Binds Together: ONE NATION; ONE TIME ZONE: NFL Owners New Proposal For America

    1. Tadzio:

      Satire it is but somehow it is not too far from what could happen as the NFL owners accrue more power and followers.

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